Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
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I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
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I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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