I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
