dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
