Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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