I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
