Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
