capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
