oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
