she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Randomize
