What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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