dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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