He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
