I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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