I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
