So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Randomize
