i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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