I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
