I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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