I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
