3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
