please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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