I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You made out with two different species that night
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
