just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
