Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
