my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
