Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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