dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
