I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Randomize
