Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
