Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
