My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I feel like death gave me a hand job
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
