I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
