If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
