My friends, they love my intelligence
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Randomize
