So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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