i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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