I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
