I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
