I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
