we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
