Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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