you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
