so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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