This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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