Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
40s are totally the cure
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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