I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
