I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
