my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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