be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Randomize
