I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
