Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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