Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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