did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
