i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
