Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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